Clash of the Titans

Went to see Clash of the Titans with Corinne & Grassy (Mark says, "You went to see a football movie?"). Nary a flash of Harry Hamlin. Although the hype around the movie is trying to make the original out to be some sort of cult phenomenon, I don't remember being especially overwhelmed by it. Maybe it was big in England, where they had nothing else to watch besides Agatha Christie movies, Dr. Who and Fawlty Towers until 2001.

Synopsis...Horribly mismatched, miscast couple fishes coffin filled with baby and dead chick out of the sea...flash forward 20 years and, after some foreboding talk and lightning, the adoptive family dies at the hands of Hades (by way of Zeus)...there's a council of shiny metal and underused famous actors, followed by Hades (bad hairline) pulling a Voldemort-esque entrance in Argos to announce that the gods are very, very angry. Zeus can't make up his mind...does he like Perseus? Not like him? Support Hades? Not support him? Love his pet humans? Want to cook them? Yada yada yada scorpions, tree guy, the oracle from The Dark Crystal makes an appearance ("Gelfling?), Medusa, some wit from Liam Cunningham (where do I know that guy from, or more to the point, who am I confusing that guy with?) who totally stole every scene he was in...a half dozen flying horses...30 seconds of Kraken (26 consecutive Pirate of the Caribbean jokes) and DONE!

The Good

• The Kraken. I was really worried that he'd been typecast in Pirates, but it's great to see him branching out into dramatic roles. He really outdid himself with the roaring and thrashing and whatnot. I hear he has a role opposite Julia Roberts playing a school teacher with a tortured past, due out in 2011.
  
• Sam Worthington does not take himself very seriously and appears to be having a terrific time jumping about painted with gravy and wearing a short skirt. His interviews are hilarious. I like that guy. Not enough to watch Avatar because I draw the line at war-like Smurfs, but enough to possibly rent that last Terminator movie.
  
• Alexa Davalos was in Riddick. Love that movie. Which has nothing whatsoever to do with this one, but whatever.
• Brevity. More films should be this short.
• The kids in the hall that harassed me on the way in...mob of snotty 10-year-old girl hellions...since state law prohibits me from providing on-the-spot discipline, I TOLD ON THEM TO THEIR MOM and probably (God willing) ruined some little kid's birthday. Muhahahahahaha!
• Jeffrey Dean Morgan was not in this movie, but he WAS in the preview for The Losers that played just before it.
• Nicholas Hoult was in this movie, and also in About a Boy with Hugh Grant (a far superior film). He is now 21 and adorable!! It's always nice to see cute child actors grow into attractive adults. He could have chosen a better role, but at least he's working.
  

The Bad

• The CGI was some of the worst that I've seen in recent memory and really gave the original a run for its money. It put the "special" in special effects, including a CGI eagle that would have looked more at home in a Journey video circa 1989. On that note...
  
• Medusa - the scariest thing about her was how badly she was rendered.
• The Soundtrack was actually not that bad, but The Bird and the Worm was only in the trailer. Luckily I bypassed the soundtrack and bought the EP instead. Always thinking.
• The non-CGI. I'm the chick who prefers a guy in a monkey suit to a CGI monkey. Still, the set pieces were clunky and awful. The worst was when the Charon's boat pulls up at the dock on the river Styx and you can practically see the guys running the smoke machine (which is supposed to be "mist" on the water). And the gods' armor made blatant and horrifying use of the Lens Flare effect...
• You Hired Who? Why? Possibly they spent all their money on shine and didn't leave enough left over for dialogue, because I think that Alexander Siddig (Hermes), Danny Huston (Poseidon) and Izabella Miko (Athena) had a combined input of 27 words. Kind of a giant waste of perfectly good talent. Stand here and on this platform and look shiny. Hell, I could have done that.
  
• Harry Potter appears to have played a major conceptual role. From casting Lord Voldemort to play himself as Hades, the retrieving of the boat from the cavern in Half-Blood Prince (also seen here, only with a driver instead of magic-propelled), big scorpions (giant spiders anyone?)...did I mention that Lord Voldemort keeps appearing in puffs of smoke? Except at the end when he appears more like Peter Stormare at the end of Constantine...and is quite easily banished with a lightning rod and a javelin throw. Also, at one point Corinne and I thought Obi-Wan Kenobi had pulled up (it was that whole Tattooine scene where the sand people are going to town on Luke and Ben shows up to chase them off, but he's wearing a hood), but it turned out to just be Qui-Gon Jinn.
  

The Ugly

• What the hell is a Pretzel Nugget? Oh yeah, I ran out of time to eat before dashing out to meet my sister, so I was forced to ingest something called "pretzel nuggets" which are apparently best eaten with liquid Velveeta. Hardly the least nutritious meal I've had this week, but still...kind of gross.

Overall Rating: C+ with points for not seeing it in 3D. I recommend renting it and possibly waiting for the Director' Cut, which one can only assume has content that actually allows the council of Olympian gods to speak.
Marcia Rating: Marcia-safe, but she wouldn't want to see it.