Apple iPad

Hmm. Worst. Name. Ever. Also, overpriced considering that the data plan isn't included...suxor!! Also, I thought it was going to be a computer, not a 1-up on Kindle.

Oh well, here's some humor.

You Know Your Priorities Have Changed...

...when you get very, very excited because someone else has used the potty with success. Also, when you find yourself having a very serious discussion with your life mate about the quality of your shared offspring's bowel movements (I just wanted to qualify that; we never talk about the quality of any of the Elder Stepmonsters' bowel movements, and rarely congratulate them on successfully using the potty).

The Scorpions Acknowledge What the Rest of Us Figured Out in 1993

This headline made me laugh: German rock band Scorpions to end career - did they not notice the Winds of Change blew hair bands out of vogue even before I made it out of high school? Oh well, I guess this leaves room for Lita Ford's big comeback.

Dead Milkmen

Man, it's been a long time since I listened to The Dead Milkmen, but I've been thinking a lot about Bitchin' Camaro lately. Just because. Tony Orlando and Dawn. They were always more Annie's thing than mine, but God, those guys were a freakin' hoot. Really, every song was more like listening to my drunk friends than to a real band. B R I L L I A N T with a capital Liant. God bless 1985.

-Hey Jack, what's happenin'?
-I don't know.
-Well uh, rumor around town says you might be thinkin' 'bout goin' down to
the shore.
-Uh, yeah, I think I'm gonna go down to the shore.
-Whaddya gonna do down there?
-Uh, I don't know, play some video games, buy some Def Leppard t-shirts.
-Don't forget your Motley Crue t-shirt; y'know, all proceeds go to get their
lead singer out a' jail.

Pruning to the funny parts.
...The important thing here is that we get
to the part where you ask me how I'm gonna get down to the shore.
- Oh, how you gettin' down to the shore?
- Funny you should ask, I've got a car now..
- Ah wow, how'd ya get a car?
- Oh, my folks drove it up here from the Bahamas.
- You're kidding!
- I must be, the Bahamas are islands. Okay, the important thing here is
that, uh, you ask me what kinda car it is.
- Uh uh, what kinda car do ya' got?
- I've got a Bitchin' Camaro...

Bitchin' Camaro, Bitchin' Camaro!
Donuts on your lawn
Bitchin' Camaro, Bitchin' Camaro!
Tony Orlando and Dawn

When I drive past the kids
They all spit and cuss
Cause I've got a bitchin' Camaro
And they have to ride the bus!

So I'm Writing Music Reviews Again...

This time I'm writing for Little Rat Bastard, a wholly owned subsidiary of TheJsWorld (all rights reserved).

I reviewed Glee: The Music Volumes 1 & 2. Read now. Support J's vision of reviews by non-critics. And my goal of being occasionally witty in the written form.

Kyle Says...

My cousin Kyle sometimes comes out with some wacky things. Today's gem (I warned him I was posting this):

"My friend decided to make me a sandwich last night." (After they went drinking.) "A mayonnaise sandwich. Then he put sour cream on it. And cottage cheese...and some regular cheese." This was the point at which it left the white food group theme and joined the 'you ate what?' section of the nutrition pyramid. "And hot sauce, some pickles, peanut butter, powdered ice tea mix, and red hots. Oh, and dog hair, because he dropped the bread on the floor." Then he paused and added, "It wasn't very good. I think it was the red hots. They were kind of stale. And the ice tea mix was a little gritty."

Maybe it IS the Greatest Day Ever!!

I have waited for this moment since I was 12-years-old. Yes, it's almost upon us. THE A-TEAM MOVIE!!!!!!!!!

There have been some great television series since the medium was invented. V. Lost. Twin Peaks. Greg the Bunny (at least it was great until they gave him EYES, too creepy). The Fall Guy. But all of these pale in comparison to my favorite, favorite television show of all time, THE A-TEAM (which I will continue to refer to in all capital letters to afford it the deep respect it deserves).

Here is the trailer. You may want to shield your eyes from the sheer awesome of it (especially if your name is Marcia or if you weren't raised up in the '80s.)



Now. Please note the awesomeness of the following.

1. I love it when a VAN comes together. The van. Right there. Awesome. On a related note, I actually have a scale model of THE A-TEAM van in a closet somewhere (unbuilt - I'm motivated to buy, but never to build).
   
2. Liam Neeson, now rivaling Samuel L Jackson for the title of coolest human in the entire world appears to actually be channeling his inner George Peppard, right down to the white hair. I don't remember George Peppard having that particular accent, but I'll let it slide because of the cigar. Liam Neeson, you are the man.
3. Bradley Cooper, you may not be THE man, like Liam Neeson, but you are certainly A man. Please. Never put your shirt back on again. I don't say that often (hell, I once shouted at a co-worker at a lake party "Put it on! Put it all on!") but for you, my incredibly hot friend, we will make an exception.
4. The trailer features the TV show lead in, minus all the Vietnam rhetoric. Also, the time frame has been shortened from 10 years to one year (and it's not 1972, thank God).
   
5. Nary a Frankie, Stockwell, or Amy in sight.
6. Dirk Benedict and Dwight Schultz are both listed as in it - almost as good as bringing George Peppard back from the dead. Almost.
7. Release Date is...WAIT FOR IT...WAIT FOR IT...JUNE 11th!!! That's right, it's the universe's birthday present to ME. Like it was meant to be.
   

The Greatest Day Ever!!

Not really. But one of the Elder Stepmonsters (aka my stepson) "volunteered" to give Josh a bath so that Mark and I didn't have to. Of course, there was much coaching involved, as you might imagine. He doesn't exactly have what it takes to be a nanny. Mark turned on the water to the right temperature, and I coached #1 (in a series of 4) how to properly put on Josh's "Nakey Suit". That went swimmingly until Josh looked at #1 and said, "I'M POOPING."

Appropriately, #1 backed away in horror with his hands out in front of him. So, I did the changing thing (Josh likes to kick while I'm changing his poop, did I mention that new feature?) and handed him off to #1 for Tub Placement. When I came back from depositing Josh's deposit, the kid was still trying to scale the bath wall, because #1 didn't realize that he needs to be put in.

Next came sitting. "Is this sitting, Mommy?" No, no, NO! That's kneeling. It's kneeling on the other knee, too. Now you're standing again. Sit down or no pop. OK, sitting achieved. Now, five minutes of reticent washing activities, done from a full arm's length away. In my supervisory capacity, I at this point realized that I could have been done with this endeavor by now. And really, this was a wasted effort because #1 returns to school this weekend. Then came, "Wash your nuts. No, that's your butt. Your nuts. Your nuts. Your man parts? OK, damn it, I'll wash them." Because #1 isn't going to do it. And much giggling ensued.

Finally, Extraction. #4 was pried, dripping and slippery from the bathtub after a failed attempt to toss water. #1 carried him to the bedroom and dried him by patting him with the towel for several seconds before stepping away in horror during Diaper Replacement when Josh said, "I'M POOPING AGAIN." He wasn't. The two managed to get Josh into his pajamas and...wow, that saved me negative 17 minutes.

The moral of the story is, if you intend to strong arm someone into bathing your dirty 2-year-old, make sure it's someone pre-equipped with the knowledge and wherewithal (I've always wanted to use that word in a written sentence) to do so.