What Happened to Andre?

My reading audience mocks me for my love of Project Runway, the result of endless episode viewing during maternity. This is one of my favorite moments, Santino Rice doing his spot-on impression of Tim Gunn. Even if you hate Runway, the clip is still hilarious. (even Mark does an impression of Tim Gunn although, ask him sometime).

Salt Review

If you haven't seen this review yet, it's hilarious, if only for the spot-on description of Angelina Jolie as action star. Read the Salt Review at Pajiba.com.

Here's a taste:

...when casting the role for a bad-ass double, triple, or quadruple CIA Agent who will be tasked with jumping off of bridges onto moving 18-wheelers, roughing up aggressors, or standing up to a stiff wind, it might have been in the best interest of the studio to bring aboard someone capable in real life of winning two out of three arm wrestling matches with Betty White.

It actually gets funnier from there.

Incident Report

"The Tea...It BURNS!!!" by unnamed co-worker. However, 95% of the people who read this blog know her personally and have probably already seen the email version of today's incident, which I witnessed firsthand. This particular co-worker is known for her style, grace, poise, intelligence, and spectacular workplace mishaps (which happen about once every three months or so).

This is an early edition of the incident report seeing that the last report was roughly 45 days ago.

I know first hand how it feels to be set on fire -- not exactly but it was darn close. The printshop maintains a steady temperature of about -10 degrees and I've gotten accustomed to consuming more coffee than usual to stay warm. This day, however, I opted for a hotter substance to warm me up. That hotter substance was boiling water to make tea. As I poured the scortching water into my cup I immediately thought, "Wow, this liquid could send me to the burn unit at Bridgeport Hospital. I'll need to take extra precaution as I drink this." I'm not fond of the lids that are used to hold the hot substances here as they don't secure properly and my previous experience with leaking coffee (sigh) made me believe that it was in my best interest to leave the lid off and sip carefully. Ten minutes in I was doing great. I was sipping slowly, keeping my eyes on the cup at all times and making sure not to lean more than an inch or two in either direction. On top of the deep focus I had on my cup of tea I tried to multitask and engage in conversation at the same time. Big mistake. Let's just say that the subject matter caused me to become a little animated and flare my arms around like a crazy person. My arms continued to flare like a crazy person once I realized that I had spilled the tea in my lap and subsequently on my forearm and hand. I immediately thought I was on fire and started running around the lounge room in circles stomping and patting myself. Oh, and there was a ton screaming. I ended up at the medical office to soak my hand in ice. I'm fine.

Stay tuned for Q4 edition of the incident report.

Headline of the Day

"Man dies in cinema during 'Twilight' screening"

WELLINGTON, New Zealand — Police are hoping an autopsy will explain what caused a man to slump over in his chair and die while watching a screening of “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” at a Wellington cinema.

It's no mystery. The autopsy will reveal that sparkly vampires and tragically bad writing caused his brain to implode. So, next time you see Robert Pattinson and your brain starts to tingle...just think...you could be NEXT.

I like my version better. Think about it, Trump.

Headline: "Can Cage control his craziness in 'Apprentice'?"

Ooooh! I hate Celebrity Apprentice because it's AWFUL, but I might watch if Nicolas Cage was on! He's a nut and has been trying to raise money lately, so this seems like an inspired fit!

Turns out they were just talking about The Sorcerer's Apprentice remake. Bah! Guess I'll skip both.

Big House Lindsay

For repeated probation violations, Lindsay Lohan got 90 days and burst into tears. Come on, kid. You're famous. Don't you know you'll be out in a month due to overcrowding? Then you'll be on Oprah and everyone will love you again. Your film career will revive. You'll be offered TV spots. If one of them is a tear jerker, you're a shoo-in for the Emmy. Your semi-poignant, ghost writer-penned memoir will hit #3 on the NY Times' Best Seller List, much to the consternation of people who actually have something to say and earned a spot there.

This is the best thing that's happened to your career in ten years. Plus, don't look at it as a jail sentence so much as the opportunity to shake your creepy stalker parents loose.

When It's Hot in New England, Why Do People Complain About Florida?

Every time it gets above 85. "How do people LIVE like this? I could NEVER live in Florida."

1. They have a pool in every house and two outside.
   
2. They have air conditioning EVERYWHERE.
   
3. When you live there for more than a year, your blood thins. Therefore, you are COLD when it's under 75 degrees (like me all the time).
   
4. It's a peninsula. You're not more than an hour and a half from a beach pretty much anywhere.
   
5. Did I mention there's air conditioning everywhere?
   
6. It's 82 degrees right now in Sarasota. It's 103 degrees right now in my front yard.
   
7. Because of the massive encephalitis risk, they spray the living shit (literally) out of every insect on the peninsula. So, while you're hot, you aren't having your thin blood tapped out of you by mosquitoes the size of pigeons, which is what happens in my yard.
   
8. Yes. It is hot enough for me. Thanks for asking.
   

There are lots of reasons not to live in Florida. Alligators. Non-indigenous, species-threatening python explosions. The aforementioned encephalitis. Venomous snakes. THREE species of native black widow spiders. Whatever's going on here. I vote that we throw some of these things into the mix instead of the hot weather.