just blog

Still Slacking!

2011-02-26T11:32:00.003-05:00

I'm TIRED. Here's some humor.

Launch funny Darth Vader Video Because I Said So.

Oh, What a Slacker

2011-01-22T08:30:00.002-05:00

I guess I haven't posted in awhile. That's what working to the exclusion of all other activity (except ice skating) will do to you.

Here's some humor from Annie:
1. Go to Google Maps and click on Get Directions.
2. Write USA as your start point.
3. Write Japan as your destination.
4. Go to the 31st point on your route and laugh.

What I found more perplexing is why, if you do it in reverse, it assumes that you want to go to Wichita?

Draft Out The Door

2010-12-22T21:09:00.002-05:00

Some of you may have a message waiting. The prompts are courtesy Toasted Cheese.

Dear Readers --

Thank you once again for volunteering to read my work, which I hope is improving as a result of your input.

As always, any level of feedback you want to provide is great, from line editing to the succinct, one sentence, "This sucks."
I implore you, please DO NOT REPLY TO ALL with your feedback, as I'd like to keep the opinions relatively untainted (except those relatives who live together in the house on Bates Road).

There's a handy checklist below for those new to providing feedback. Feel free to ignore it. Above all, do not worry about sparing my feelings. If something is broken, I need to know about it in order to fix it. All feedback that's going into this draft should be back by January 15th.

Thanks for your time =)

Jen

* ACCESSIBILITY: Was it easy to follow the action, what was going on and why?
* APPEARANCE: Were there too many errors? Typos? Grammar? Punctuation?
* CHARACTERS: Were they human, fascinating, unique, flawed?
* CONFLICT: Was it confusing? Did it exist?
* DIALOGUE: Did everybody have their own rhythm, tone and style?
* ENDING: Was it clear and satisfying? Do you know what the characters will do in the future?
* LEAD: Did the opening have passion? Style? Pace? Depth? Energy? Does each chapter have a lead and an ending?
* MOTIVATION: Why did the characters do what they did?
* ORIGINALITY: How fresh was the story? Was it a new take on an old theme?
* PACING: Did the story flow smoothly? Were there too many high points and low points?
* PLOTTING: Were you surprised by the choices the characters made?
* SETTING: Were the mood and tone good?
* STRUCTURE: Does everything happen in order? ie. What if *that* scene were *there*, for example?
* STYLE: Does it sound like the author or her sister, Denise?
* SUBTLETY: Was the message too preachy?
* TONE: Did the theme stay consistent throughout?

Black Swan

2010-12-05T10:21:00.003-05:00

With the exception of those awful Star Wars prequels, I don't think there's anything that I've ever seen Natalie Portman do that I didn't like her in (even Closer, which I disliked -- but she was fantastic).

Black Swan looks awesome (and very much Marcia-unapproved). It also has Winona Ryder, Mila Kunis, and Vincent Cassel (Monsieur Hood from Shrek!).

Clickity for the trailer

Ah. Myers-Briggs, it's been too long

2010-11-24T19:09:00.002-05:00

Every time I take this test, I skate closer to the extroverted side. When I first took it, I was something like INTP. Now I'm ENFJ. My favorite is still the DISC analysis, which came back with a result of "DO NOT TOUCH EVILSTEPMONSTER. STAY AT LEAST THREE FEET FROM EVILSTEPMONSTER WHEN TALKING TO HER."

Dying to try it for yourself?
What the hell are you?

New Books!

2010-11-20T22:18:00.002-05:00

In answer to your question, Easter Island, I am not working on NaNo. It took me one day to realize I wasn't interested this year. Also, I've spent all of November completely distracted by other projects.

But new books! Thanks to the power of the pre-order, I forgot that these were coming: DM Cornish's Factotum and Stephen King's Full Dark, No Stars. Forget that I still haven't read Under the Dome, although it's been hanging out on my bookshelf for months. I was considering going back to The Stand...nothing like a little apocalypse fiction for the holidays.

Good News, Bad News

2010-11-07T17:38:00.002-05:00

Bad: So I've turned into the ultimate NaNo slacker this year. I'm distracted with a side project.

Good: I'm most of the way through a "final" revision of last year's NaNo project, and it's reading a lot better than I'd dared hope.

Bad: Last year's project requires at least one rewrite chapter and a bridge chapter that I clearly have little energy to write. Also, I'm pretty sure that I'm suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Worse: I lack the energy to find out if I have Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Better: Someone in my family, I can't remember who, calls it Seasonal Defective Disorder, which makes me laugh.

Good: My review of Radio Freq is up on LRB.

NaNo - Day One

2010-11-01T22:05:00.005-04:00

If I bother with the count monitor, it'll be later in the month. Basically, it spent as much time down as it did up (maybe more) last year. While you all got to appreciate my inspired and hilarious use of alt tags as a humor medium ("has anybody seen my disco stick?"), it just seems like less work to not fight with the count monitor.

So. Drum roll please.

Day One. 1947 words.

Now, if I can only keep those other two novels at bay for the month...I still wish they'd do this in January, when I have NOTHING GOING ON AT ALL, instead of November, which is traditionally plagued by commitments.

Okay, Nate. Let's get writing.

T-Minus 6 to NaNo

2010-10-25T20:30:00.001-04:00

That's right! It's almost on us again. Come on slackers, this is the year you're going to write a novel. Or at least 50,000 words of a novel which, given my current effort, is just over the halfway mark. Sometimes the problem is getting the novel to stop.

Anyway, Get moving.

Deathly Hallows: Part One

2010-10-10T15:15:00.012-04:00

If you haven't seen the trailer yet, check it out. While Twilight continues its proud tradition of sucking, Harry Potter continues to be a stake in the heart of crappy YA adaptations. This movie series just keeps getting better...I can't wait for November!!

HP Trailer

And another...

Oh, and HP will apparently NOT be in 3D, even though the trailer says it will. Complete the journey in 2D. It's for the best.

I Love Woot!

2010-09-30T18:21:00.009-04:00

As anyone who's worked with me for an extended period of time (5-10 years and not in my current employment scenario, good God I hope none of those people know this blog exists) can tell you, I love Woot! and their magical flying screaming monkeys (which I unleashed in my previous place of employment on two separate, memorable occasions).

Last year, Woot! launched some of those monkeys into space (well, someone launched them anyway, and they didn't quite make it to space) via rocket. Another time, they dropped an indestructible something (clock radio? flashlight? I really only remember the destruction) from a building and then ran it over with a car.

Anyhoo, I digress. Woot! is back and better than ever, this time proving (or disproving, you be the judge) that Bucky Balls really can tear intestines!

No, I'm serious. You be the judge. Click here.

On a related note, I'm off to figure out if I can attach JQuery's Lightbox plugin to Just Blog in an effort to correct my tiny video space allotment. Enjoy!

Review: Melanie Fiona

2010-09-27T21:08:00.001-04:00

New review up on LRB - Melanie Fiona's The Bridge. I liked it =)

New LRB Review

2010-09-17T22:01:00.001-04:00

Röyksopp – Junior (2009) & Senior (2010) - fun Norwegian electronic =)

Thought of the Day Courtesy of M. Duffy

2010-09-16T19:11:00.001-04:00

Alcohol doesn't make you fat... it makes you Lean... on tables, chairs & random ugly people.

Fan it.

Proenza Schouler Wants to Cast Models With ‘Life Experience’ for Their Spring Show

2010-09-06T19:25:00.002-04:00

http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2010/09/proenza_schouler_wants_to_cast.html

Probably someone should break it to Proenza Schouler (ugly / overpriced masquerading as exclusive) that "life experience" means not only well over 20 years old (as pointed out in this article), but generally well over a sample size zero. When they say "curves" they mean "hint of boobs slightly greater than your average 11-year-old boy".

To be fair, they did do a line for Target (although it was, in my opinion, filled with hilariously unwearable pieces. Don't take my word for it. Search the Interwebs!)

How is it POSSIBLE to make Tim Gunn ANGRY????

2010-08-29T10:37:00.003-04:00

You really have to work at it, like Team Gretchen did this week on Project Runway, earning a serious scolding from the calmest man in America. I highly recommend watching this week's train wreck.

Even if you don't watch the show (which could be subtitled: Project Runway - Season Garnier Fructisse because of the SUPER AGGRESSIVE product placement), this article is hilarious. It makes me want to be writer Liane Bonin's friend.

Hilarious Armchair Review of PR Season 8, Episode 5

The Wheel Is On Fire Contest

2010-08-29T09:30:00.002-04:00

Nate's celebrating his blog's one year anniversary and he wants to give YOU (Marcia X and Easter Island) a $25 Amazon gift card. All you have to do is be witty in 100 words or less, some of which have been pre-selected for you.

Oh, other people can enter, but only two witty individuals will win. Neither is likely to be me.

Win a Cash-Equivalent now!!!

Accidental Unveiling

2010-08-18T19:53:00.002-04:00

So, unbeknownst to 4 of 4, his new room was decorated in John Deere green and yellow...with a new John Deere tractor bed. We've kept it from him for weeks simply by keeping the door closed. We were using this particular room as office space, so he mostly stays out of there. Until I said, this evening, "Go find Daddy and tell him you need your teeth brushed." So, he goes into the "office" space and the next thing we hear is, "I'VE GOT A JOHN DEERE BIG BOY BED!! I'VE GOT A JOHN DEERE BIG BOY BED!"

So, a week ahead of schedule, Junior Mint is sleeping (and I use that term loosely) in his new tractor bed, in his new room.

Oh Nate, They Stole Your Monkey...

2010-08-14T17:34:00.002-04:00

Or you could look at it as one of your escaped invisible monkeys found work with Dodge.

Dodge commercial - without the monkey @ Yahoo! Video

What Happened to Andre?

2010-07-29T21:13:00.002-04:00

My reading audience mocks me for my love of Project Runway, the result of endless episode viewing during maternity. This is one of my favorite moments, Santino Rice doing his spot-on impression of Tim Gunn. Even if you hate Runway, the clip is still hilarious. (even Mark does an impression of Tim Gunn although, ask him sometime).

Salt Review

2010-07-23T22:31:00.004-04:00

If you haven't seen this review yet, it's hilarious, if only for the spot-on description of Angelina Jolie as action star. Read the Salt Review at Pajiba.com.

Here's a taste:

...when casting the role for a bad-ass double, triple, or quadruple CIA Agent who will be tasked with jumping off of bridges onto moving 18-wheelers, roughing up aggressors, or standing up to a stiff wind, it might have been in the best interest of the studio to bring aboard someone capable in real life of winning two out of three arm wrestling matches with Betty White.

It actually gets funnier from there.

Incident Report

2010-07-23T17:16:00.003-04:00

"The Tea...It BURNS!!!" by unnamed co-worker. However, 95% of the people who read this blog know her personally and have probably already seen the email version of today's incident, which I witnessed firsthand. This particular co-worker is known for her style, grace, poise, intelligence, and spectacular workplace mishaps (which happen about once every three months or so).

This is an early edition of the incident report seeing that the last report was roughly 45 days ago.

I know first hand how it feels to be set on fire -- not exactly but it was darn close. The printshop maintains a steady temperature of about -10 degrees and I've gotten accustomed to consuming more coffee than usual to stay warm. This day, however, I opted for a hotter substance to warm me up. That hotter substance was boiling water to make tea. As I poured the scortching water into my cup I immediately thought, "Wow, this liquid could send me to the burn unit at Bridgeport Hospital. I'll need to take extra precaution as I drink this." I'm not fond of the lids that are used to hold the hot substances here as they don't secure properly and my previous experience with leaking coffee (sigh) made me believe that it was in my best interest to leave the lid off and sip carefully. Ten minutes in I was doing great. I was sipping slowly, keeping my eyes on the cup at all times and making sure not to lean more than an inch or two in either direction. On top of the deep focus I had on my cup of tea I tried to multitask and engage in conversation at the same time. Big mistake. Let's just say that the subject matter caused me to become a little animated and flare my arms around like a crazy person. My arms continued to flare like a crazy person once I realized that I had spilled the tea in my lap and subsequently on my forearm and hand. I immediately thought I was on fire and started running around the lounge room in circles stomping and patting myself. Oh, and there was a ton screaming. I ended up at the medical office to soak my hand in ice. I'm fine.

Stay tuned for Q4 edition of the incident report.

Headline of the Day

2010-07-12T21:53:00.002-04:00

"Man dies in cinema during 'Twilight' screening"

WELLINGTON, New Zealand — Police are hoping an autopsy will explain what caused a man to slump over in his chair and die while watching a screening of “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” at a Wellington cinema.

It's no mystery. The autopsy will reveal that sparkly vampires and tragically bad writing caused his brain to implode. So, next time you see Robert Pattinson and your brain starts to tingle...just think...you could be NEXT.

I like my version better. Think about it, Trump.

2010-07-12T19:26:00.002-04:00

Headline: "Can Cage control his craziness in 'Apprentice'?"

Ooooh! I hate Celebrity Apprentice because it's AWFUL, but I might watch if Nicolas Cage was on! He's a nut and has been trying to raise money lately, so this seems like an inspired fit!

Turns out they were just talking about The Sorcerer's Apprentice remake. Bah! Guess I'll skip both.

Big House Lindsay

2010-07-06T19:01:00.004-04:00

For repeated probation violations, Lindsay Lohan got 90 days and burst into tears. Come on, kid. You're famous. Don't you know you'll be out in a month due to overcrowding? Then you'll be on Oprah and everyone will love you again. Your film career will revive. You'll be offered TV spots. If one of them is a tear jerker, you're a shoo-in for the Emmy. Your semi-poignant, ghost writer-penned memoir will hit #3 on the NY Times' Best Seller List, much to the consternation of people who actually have something to say and earned a spot there.

This is the best thing that's happened to your career in ten years. Plus, don't look at it as a jail sentence so much as the opportunity to shake your creepy stalker parents loose.

When It's Hot in New England, Why Do People Complain About Florida?

2010-07-06T18:03:00.003-04:00

Every time it gets above 85. "How do people LIVE like this? I could NEVER live in Florida."

They have a pool in every house and two outside.
They have air conditioning EVERYWHERE.
When you live there for more than a year, your blood thins. Therefore, you are COLD when it's under 75 degrees (like me all the time).
It's a peninsula. You're not more than an hour and a half from a beach pretty much anywhere.
Did I mention there's air conditioning everywhere?
It's 82 degrees right now in Sarasota. It's 103 degrees right now in my front yard.
Because of the massive encephalitis risk, they spray the living shit (literally) out of every insect on the peninsula. So, while you're hot, you aren't having your thin blood tapped out of you by mosquitoes the size of pigeons, which is what happens in my yard.
Yes. It is hot enough for me. Thanks for asking.

There are lots of reasons not to live in Florida. Alligators. Non-indigenous, species-threatening python explosions. The aforementioned encephalitis. Venomous snakes. THREE species of native black widow spiders. Whatever's going on here. I vote that we throw some of these things into the mix instead of the hot weather.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Trailer Official HD

2010-06-29T22:17:00.001-04:00

I'll go see both of these movies by myself if necessary, that's how invested I am.
Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

The A-Team

2010-06-19T08:10:00.003-04:00

This week's highlight was a girls-only field trip to the local movie theater. Just in time for my 105th birthday, The A-Team movie has FINALLY come to fruition, like a present from the universe. BTW, this won't be so much a review as a commentary, since 1/2 of my reading audience was with me at the movie, including Easter Island.

For the second time this year, Liam Neeson has signed on for something with the potential for pure awesome. Luckily, unlike the train wreck that was Clash of the Titans, The A-Team almost totally lived up to the high expectations set by my A-Team crazed teenage self. Each weekday I would rush home from school and wait impatiently through three hours of bad TV (complicated by my mother's stubborn resistance to the cable "fad", requiring me to constantly adjust antenna).

I have to admit being concerned about casting. Short of bringing George Peppard back from the dead, there seemed to be really no good option for Hannibal Smith. Mel Gibson was rumored for years to be taking the role, but when they were considering Mel Gibson, he still had that weird Lethal Weapon mullet. Then, seemingly out of nowhere came Liam Neeson. Both guys have action and serious roles behind them, but Liam Neeson is taller and played Dark Man so, in my opinion, was just a better choice. As Hannibal, Neeson just seemed to channel his inner George Peppard right down to the hair style. He's no Samuel L. Jackson, but Liam Neeson is climbing the charts on my cool list.

Rampage Jackson was okay as BA (a little wooden, but he does look the part), and we're still about 15 years out from hearing me complain about Bradley Cooper taking off his shirt (Face). Sharlto Copley was good enough as Murdock to make me want to stop stalling on watching District 9. The best moments in the moment belonged to this guy, from painting his face half blue and quoting Braveheart, to twirling around on chopper blades while singing "You Spin Me Right 'Round", to knighting a guy with a pair of 3D glasses.

Maybe the biggest surprise, and the one that spawned the most debate after the movie, was the appearance of '80s child star Brian Bloom as one of the bad guys. He grew up to be bald, but past that looks EXACTLY the same, which put most of us in the "OH MY GOD BRIAN BLOOM I HAD A POSTER OF THAT GUY MOST BEAUTIFUL EYES IN HOLLYWOOD DIDN'T HE HAVE A BROTHER HE IS SOOOOOOOO HOT FANGIRL SCREAM!" camp, except Imposter Jen (not to be confused with Junior), who said, "Really? I don't think he's hot at all." We're having her vision checked.

A good chunk of this new incarnation is the origins story, which witnesses the demise of BA's van (sort of how the owl didn't make the cut in Clash of the Titans) and brings Murdock and BA into Hannibal's line of sight. From there, it's a typical weak A-Team plot, from cartoonish bad guys to Face making out with anything with the right configuration of body parts. The difference is the witty script, which is extremely aware of the type of show The A-Team was, and seems determined to stick to the rules. Brian Bloom was one of the writers. He is getting hotter all the time!!! At one point, Face actually escapes from a band of corrupt Mexican soldiers by rolling down a hill inside a tower of tires. Very much like the original.

There's lots of pseudo-intrigue and double crosses and explosions, etc. etc. I'll definitely buy it on Blu-Ray when it comes out...the only part we didn't like, and EVERYONE agreed, was the Easter Egg at the end of the credits. So, Easter Island makes us wait until this final scene, and they trot out Dirk Benedict and Dwight Schultz. Granted, they're in their mid-60s, but most of the girls agreed that we all had a crush on Dirk Benedict at one time, and seeing him old was just sort of something we wish we could take back. Thanks, EI!!

Anyway...
Overall Rating: Pure Awesome
Marcia Rating: We took her with us and it was Marcia-safe, but she preferred The Losers
Brian Bloom Rating: Not replacing Future Husband Jeffrey Dean Morgan anytime soon, but WOW!!

New Review: La Roux

2010-06-15T19:05:00.001-04:00

Good dance album. Better remixes. La Roux @ LittleRat.

Scorpion. Sub-Zero. No Sonya. Fight!

2010-06-14T20:34:00.003-04:00

And now a word from #1 in a series of 4. #1 advises you to watch this full screen (HD) with your sound turned up. I don't know about the sound part, but the rest of the advice stands.

(warning. this is really long and extremely Marcia inappropriate. also, it helps if you like a) video games in general, b) Mortal Kombat in particular and c) have a high tolerance for long, violent movie trailers. note that jeri ryan appears in what appears to be possibly the best video game movie of all time AND possibly the best franchise reboot since Star Trek. initCap is for pansies. my only objection is to the lack of MK Techno.)

VendingSpree.com

2010-06-13T09:16:00.003-04:00

Apparently blog genius Matthew Baldwin has a new side project - he's eating out of the vending machine at work and recording the results. It might not sound interesting, but this is D E F E C T I V E Y E T I we're talking about. The man who brought us the Bad Review Revue. The picture of how cashews are grown alone is worth the price of admission (which is free, by the way). I didn't eat cashews before, but now I won't be tempted to try.

Oh, Matthew Baldwin, please write a novel so we can buy it. By the way, Goldfish pretzels are made with smiles...and unbleached wheat flour.

EvilStepmonster, Now With 50% LESS Content!!

2010-06-12T21:42:00.004-04:00

Yeah, you read right! So, after stalking Easter Island around the Interwebs for awhile, I decided to clean up my blog (the domain mappings are next), concluded that this blog was LONG overdue for a clean-up. I used to go through once a year or so and delete my mass of ramblings about America's Next Top Model (which I didn't even watch this season, what with having basically given up television and all). Anyway, so I deleted about half of my posts, and removed most of your names from the rest.

A Key to Names on EvilStepmonster
Nate ~~Last name removed~~ = Nate
The J = J
Marcia = Marcia
LJ = Junior
Me = Senior
Woman with a problem with obsessively collecting books and an outsized head = Easter Island
Mark = Refusal to cooperate with clever renaming...

Creeped Out By Social Search Engines

2010-06-12T20:55:00.004-04:00

First, I want my regular readers (all four of you) to know that I am going over to a new system of code names for myself and all of us.

So, ~~The Elbow~~ Easter Island and I were stalking each other on Spokeo and Pipl.com over the weekend, when we discovered just how creepy the internet really is. *I've given The Elbow until I complete this post to come up with a better name for herself. This article from PCWorld.com advocates a system of relentlessly stalking yourself online to determine what a real stalker would find.

Easter Island discovered that, in addition to her house being worth more than 1 million dollars, 2.0 is actually TWO different people. Also, if you run into Easter Island on Monday, she's apparently closing in on her 68th birthday. Make sure you tell her how great she looks for her age.

Spokeo has my demographic information slightly closer to accurate, but believes that I enjoy cooking, books about cooking, and gardening. I honestly don't know who the hell they're talking about, but it isn't Junior or Senior.

Anyway, the creepy amount of info they have on me is making me consider some drastic action. What that might be, I do not yet know. But, in the meantime, I'll be codenaming up my blog and slapping anyone who looks at me too closely. Just in case.

I'm only getting cooler

2010-05-21T18:41:00.001-04:00

Hmm...I mean older. Read my new review to make me feel better about being a month away from a slightly larger number.

G O L D F R A P P

Viral Video Film School

2010-05-17T21:57:00.004-04:00

Okay, okay, I just did an ode to InfoMania ("It's not hard to let it go from a mess to the masses") a few posts ago, but this guy is just getting funnier and funnier. And also, it's EI's fault because this is AGAIN about that creepy wooden Russian singer with the mouth moving issue. Which you haven't read yet because it's directly below THIS post, and I just posted THAT post three minutes ago.

Gummy Bear!

2010-05-17T21:50:00.004-04:00

Warning: Ear Worm. It's a big hit at my house. The ass-shaking gummy bear is no more appalling than EI's creepy wooden Russian friend, who I refuse to post (but you can see him here. Warning. Nightmares will follow. WHY DOESN'T HIS MOUTH MOVE???)

Internet Quote of the Day

2010-05-15T10:55:00.004-04:00

Courtesy of Amazon.com Discussion, proving that people do not recognize a joke when they read it.

Title:
"Gift ideas for my 58 year old psychotherapist?"

Discussion Question:
“I was thinking a set of Batman pajamas. Or fire. I'm not sure which. Any ideas?”

Response:
“Your psychotherapist may not accept a gift from you. Or, she or he will accept the gift but make you discuss the thought process that drove your decision to buy it. You might not want to subject yourself...”

Retort:
“Of course he will accept the gift from me. I am his best friend in the entire world.”

That probably should have been the end of it, but there are 109 responses, many of them debating the ethics of putting your mental health practitioner in the position to have to accept or rebuff Batman pajamas, but mostly offering hilarious gift suggestions ranging from custom-stitched straight jackets to home-baked goods.

In an attempt at political correctness...

2010-05-13T18:39:00.002-04:00

To Hubby. "We need to exercise. We are fat and unattractive. Collectively."

Oooo Rotten Tomatoes

2010-05-04T20:16:00.005-04:00

I don't really watch television anymore because I'm busy and also because television is filled to the brim with more dumb than I can handle. But while I'm sitting here waiting for dinner to magically make itself, I've discovered that Rotten Tomatoes has its own show! Sure, it looks like cable access, but is charmingly reminiscent of Greg Kinnear-era Talk Soup (remember when it was still called Talk Soup? Before Skunk Boy ruined it all?) I was hooked when they voted that horrid sex scene from Watchmen (WatchAss, for EI?) the absolute worst moment in movies in 2009.

Anyway, I swear they aren't paying me to advertise this, so check it out:
"He graduated from the wooden school of acting and seems devoid of human emotions...a sitaution not helped when his jaw is wired shut."

I heart you, Rotten Tomatoes.

Oh, and InfoMania (which for some reason I keep singing to Lisztomania, by Phoenix, not to be confused with the 1975 Ken Russell / Roger Daltrey film unrelated to both that song and this thought) is pretty good, too.

iCan'tBelieveTheStinkThey'reMaking

2010-04-29T16:16:00.002-04:00

Daily Show coverage of the Gizmodo / iPhone prototype disaster. I'll say it - Jon Stewart is a genius...it's kind of long, but worth watching all the way through.

Shameless Self-Promotion

2010-04-27T08:05:00.002-04:00

My new review is up on Little Rat Bastard.

Easter Island might like the album, it's sort of Goldfrapp-esque. Sort of. Electro-pop. Yay for fun!

Review: Little Boots, Hands

The Proposal is on...

2010-04-22T20:26:00.005-04:00

I'm not actually watching The Proposal. Junior and Mark wanted to watch something on Netflix instant queue and I chased them away from the one movie I actually wanted to see by saying, "Watch The Proposal. It's mindless and has Sandra Bullock." What is it about Ryan Reynolds that annoys me so much? I think it's because he was in Two Guys, a Girl, and Pizza Place and still isn't Nathan Fillion. Ah...Nathan Fillion...

Edit for Nate: Okay, Nate, you totally busted me and proved that you read my blog. I did watch The Proposal 20 seconds after I posted this last night. I hang my head in shame.

Clash of the Titans

2010-04-10T21:00:00.007-04:00

Went to see Clash of the Titans with Corinne & Grassy (Mark says, "You went to see a football movie?"). Nary a flash of Harry Hamlin. Although the hype around the movie is trying to make the original out to be some sort of cult phenomenon, I don't remember being especially overwhelmed by it. Maybe it was big in England, where they had nothing else to watch besides Agatha Christie movies, Dr. Who and Fawlty Towers until 2001.

Synopsis...Horribly mismatched, miscast couple fishes coffin filled with baby and dead chick out of the sea...flash forward 20 years and, after some foreboding talk and lightning, the adoptive family dies at the hands of Hades (by way of Zeus)...there's a council of shiny metal and underused famous actors, followed by Hades (bad hairline) pulling a Voldemort-esque entrance in Argos to announce that the gods are very, very angry. Zeus can't make up his mind...does he like Perseus? Not like him? Support Hades? Not support him? Love his pet humans? Want to cook them? Yada yada yada scorpions, tree guy, the oracle from The Dark Crystal makes an appearance ("Gelfling?), Medusa, some wit from Liam Cunningham (where do I know that guy from, or more to the point, who am I confusing that guy with?) who totally stole every scene he was in...a half dozen flying horses...30 seconds of Kraken (26 consecutive Pirate of the Caribbean jokes) and DONE!

The Good

The Kraken. I was really worried that he'd been typecast in Pirates, but it's great to see him branching out into dramatic roles. He really outdid himself with the roaring and thrashing and whatnot. I hear he has a role opposite Julia Roberts playing a school teacher with a tortured past, due out in 2011.
Sam Worthington does not take himself very seriously and appears to be having a terrific time jumping about painted with gravy and wearing a short skirt. His interviews are hilarious. I like that guy. Not enough to watch Avatar because I draw the line at war-like Smurfs, but enough to possibly rent that last Terminator movie.
Alexa Davalos was in Riddick. Love that movie. Which has nothing whatsoever to do with this one, but whatever.
Brevity. More films should be this short.
The kids in the hall that harassed me on the way in...mob of snotty 10-year-old girl hellions...since state law prohibits me from providing on-the-spot discipline, I TOLD ON THEM TO THEIR MOM and probably (God willing) ruined some little kid's birthday. Muhahahahahaha!
Jeffrey Dean Morgan was not in this movie, but he WAS in the preview for The Losers that played just before it.
Nicholas Hoult was in this movie, and also in About a Boy with Hugh Grant (a far superior film). He is now 21 and adorable!! It's always nice to see cute child actors grow into attractive adults. He could have chosen a better role, but at least he's working.

The Bad

The CGI was some of the worst that I've seen in recent memory and really gave the original a run for its money. It put the "special" in special effects, including a CGI eagle that would have looked more at home in a Journey video circa 1989. On that note...
Medusa - the scariest thing about her was how badly she was rendered.
The Soundtrack was actually not that bad, but The Bird and the Worm was only in the trailer. Luckily I bypassed the soundtrack and bought the EP instead. Always thinking.
The non-CGI. I'm the chick who prefers a guy in a monkey suit to a CGI monkey. Still, the set pieces were clunky and awful. The worst was when the Charon's boat pulls up at the dock on the river Styx and you can practically see the guys running the smoke machine (which is supposed to be "mist" on the water). And the gods' armor made blatant and horrifying use of the Lens Flare effect...
You Hired Who? Why? Possibly they spent all their money on shine and didn't leave enough left over for dialogue, because I think that Alexander Siddig (Hermes), Danny Huston (Poseidon) and Izabella Miko (Athena) had a combined input of 27 words. Kind of a giant waste of perfectly good talent. Stand here and on this platform and look shiny. Hell, I could have done that.
Harry Potter appears to have played a major conceptual role. From casting Lord Voldemort to play himself as Hades, the retrieving of the boat from the cavern in Half-Blood Prince (also seen here, only with a driver instead of magic-propelled), big scorpions (giant spiders anyone?)...did I mention that Lord Voldemort keeps appearing in puffs of smoke? Except at the end when he appears more like Peter Stormare at the end of Constantine...and is quite easily banished with a lightning rod and a javelin throw. Also, at one point Corinne and I thought Obi-Wan Kenobi had pulled up (it was that whole Tattooine scene where the sand people are going to town on Luke and Ben shows up to chase them off, but he's wearing a hood), but it turned out to just be Qui-Gon Jinn.

The Ugly

What the hell is a Pretzel Nugget? Oh yeah, I ran out of time to eat before dashing out to meet my sister, so I was forced to ingest something called "pretzel nuggets" which are apparently best eaten with liquid Velveeta. Hardly the least nutritious meal I've had this week, but still...kind of gross.

Overall Rating: C+ with points for not seeing it in 3D. I recommend renting it and possibly waiting for the Director' Cut, which one can only assume has content that actually allows the council of Olympian gods to speak.
Marcia Rating: Marcia-safe, but she wouldn't want to see it.

NC prosecutor: Nelson band member charges pending

2010-04-10T16:50:00.003-04:00

Not that I didn't appreciate before that I'm a product of the 1980s, but I read the headline "NC prosecutor: Nelson band member charges pending" and thought several things in rapid succession:

Oh my God! Nelson is still together?
Wait. No, didn't one of them start a country group and the other was on Celebrity Fit Club?
What time am I supposed to meet my sister at the movies?
Wait. Weren't they born again Christians? What could Nelson have possibly been arrested for?

Anyway, three of those four thoughts (you choose which) were enough to make me click the link. Turns out that, and not surprisingly, this is a story about Willie Nelson and pot. Oh...yeah, that makes more sense. Still, it warrants a picture of Nelson. And maybe one of Warrant (because wasn't Jani Lane also on Celebrity Fit Club? With the kind of crap I watch, is it any surprise that I've given up television?)

Yuck

2010-04-05T14:03:00.003-04:00

Taking a break. Spent Friday night cleaning up Josh puke. Spent last night appreciating the germs he was kind enough to share with me as I wrapped myself around the toilet. Mark says, "What are you doing? Why are you sleeping on the bathroom floor?"

Okay, back to work. And maybe I'll get adventurous and eat some soup.

3.0's Haiku

2010-03-29T18:34:00.003-04:00

LJ was pondering an entry into a scholarship contest that required a haiku...for?

Anyway, proving (again) that she is as much a result of environmental influence in upbringing as genetic predisposition, she turned to Defective Yeti's Spam Haiku Generator. Here's her entry:

This is really cool!
Suffering from arthritis.
Naked Asian girls.

Sound clever with Defective Yeti!

With All Due Respect to Jack Nicholson...

2010-03-26T18:17:00.004-04:00

Shouldn't a story about Dennis Hopper getting a star on Hollywood Boulevard as he slowly dies of cancer have a picture of Dennis Hopper? Seriously, Yahoo, wtf?

Edit: Apparently Yahoo takes me very, very seriously, because there's now a picture of Dennis Hopper to go with the story of Dennis Hopper. Still, I have proof, SO THERE.

It's Complicated

2010-03-20T08:34:00.002-04:00

Junior is home from school for something like 3 1/2 weeks, so, after bribing her with a new cell phone, promising to pay for her outrageous educational expenses for four more years, and signing my soul to her in blood, she agreed to babysit for us last night while we went to the movies.

First, a word on the Agawam Family Cinemas - our sole remaining second run theater. That place never gets any less funny. Not only is it like stepping firmly back into the 1980s (I saw For Your Eyes Only there back when I still thought Roger Moore was cool), but everyone there is over the age of 30 because, unless you live in Agawam as a kid, how the hell else would you ever know about that place unless you legitimately went there as a kid to see movies? Last time I wrote about that place, I thought the weird shelves were vintage Jerry Lewis, but Mark (who used to go there when the place was new), assures me they were added later. Since I remember them from the 80s, and he was probably last there in the 70s, I still think they've been there for 25 years or so. Also, it looks like someone's been chewing on the theater seating. The place is nothing if not an experience, I recommend that everyone see a movie there at least once a year.

Anyhow, we went to see It's Complicated, which was witty, extremely cute and, like the Agawam Family Cinemas, had no one in it under the age of 30 (even Lake Bell). Weird setup - Steve Martin playing the straight man to Alec Baldwin. I don't know what happened to Alec Baldwin - I never really liked him in his dramatic roles, but since he hit his late 40s / early 50s and put on about 100 pounds, he's funny, likable and arguably more attractive. Although Meryl Streep's children in the movie were highly annoying, her son-in-law, played by Jon Krasinksi of The Office fame was hysterical and stole the show.

It's Complicated - 4 Stars

Marcia Approval Rating - Marcia Approved

$4.99 Vampire Movies @ iTunes!

2010-03-17T18:50:00.002-04:00

And not a freaking one of them featuring those sparkly bastards from Twilight! Scored me some Nightwatch (in the original Russian) and might go back for Daywatch just to have the set. Cool :)

You Know What's Funny?

2010-03-14T10:44:00.003-04:00

If you type in, "When I grow up, I'm going to marry Jeffrey Dean Morgan" into Google, my blog comes up as the first hit? You'd think more people would have said that on the Interwebs Portal besides just me...

Although, I can't think of any reason anyone would ever type that into Google. Besides me. Actually, I can't think of any reason why I just typed that into Google, either.

While It's True That I Bought the Boots with the Fur...

2010-03-13T19:03:00.003-05:00

...it's OK, because I did not buy the Reeboks with the straps.

RIP Corey Haim

2010-03-10T18:55:00.004-05:00

I, like every other teenage girl in the late 1980s, had a monster crush on Corey Haim. My girlfriend who sits in the office next to me had the same reaction I did when I read the headline on CNN - "OH MY GOD!!" Aside from the fact that he's barely older than we are (not that he died of natural causes or anything that would make that statement relevant), he was an icon...every girl I knew had a poster of Corey Haim ripped from Bop or Teen Beat or Tiger Beat.

So, it's a sad day. If this had happened when I was 14, I probably would have worn black for a month. (and if it had been Kirk Cameron, I would have had a stroke.)

Maybe I'm Repressed, But This Seems Horrifying...

2010-02-27T09:59:00.004-05:00

So, we're potty training #4, and it's going slowly but surely. On an unrelated note, I bought a book about fun things to do with your toddler when trapped inside for long periods (say October through April, for example). I saw suggested an activity called something along the lines of "Potty Pals" in this new book, and said, "Hey, maybe I can use that."

Basically, you're supposed to cut eyes and a nose out of construction paper and tape them to the inside of the lid of the potty, implying that the bowl itself is the mouth. The child is then responsible for *gag hold on a second I might--BARF!!* "feeding" the potty several times a day.

Seriously, I have very nearly vomited three times while writing this post.

Shit My Dad Says...Officially the Funniest Person Ever

2010-02-19T19:30:00.005-05:00

Well, his Dad is, anyway. Everytime I read that site, my face and stomach hurt from laughing. What? Yes, I know my face is killing you. I'm officially adding him to the RSS feed. Anyway, apparently CBS has picked up Shit My Dad Says to develop into (and ruin as) a sitcom - starring, in possibly the most brilliant piece of casting in the history of EVER, William Shatner. After listening to Has Been in the car on the way to meet our friend for lunch today, Miss Marcia and I are very pro-Shatner, so this news is timely.

Read Shit My Dad Says. Not my personal Dad. He's funny, but not like this.

"I think the baby shit….Well, I’m smelling shit right now, so if it ain’t the baby, one of you has a big fucking problem." -Shit My Dad Says

Upcoming Shows

2010-02-18T18:33:00.005-05:00

So, the last concert I went to was Tom Jones, and boy was that ever a sight. Haven't gone to anything since, which is a sad statement on both my own life and the types of entertainment available in the 413.

BUT! We're straying deep into 203 & 860 territory with the kids:
First, Josh and I will be accompanying his future wife and my BFF to see Nick JR Live! at the Oakdale (I don't think it's called that anymore...maybe I should make an effort to find out the venue name before I try driving there. Moose, Zee, Dora the (gag) Explorer, The Backyardigans (we don't care about them), Ni Hao Kai Lan, and the Wonder Pets (what's gonna work, BEADWORK!!) await in this fun-filled assault on our senses. Have I mentioned that Josh can hang a spoon from his nose? That's actually YoGabbaGabba-inspired. Those tickets are WAY too much money and they don't come within 300 miles of 413, the shiny, happy bastards.

Next: Thank God Junior is finally old enough to go have meaningful "cultural" experiences with me - we're going to see David Sedaris at The Warner in April. She recently talked her book club out of reading Twilight in favor of Sedaris's Naked, which is at least a partial validation of the appalling amount of money we spend on her schooling (apparently she had complete support of the staff on striking Twilight from the running, which is another validation). This will be my third time seeing Sedaris, and I'm a little concerned that I might be turning into a groupie.

Invaders Must Die

2010-02-16T21:56:00.002-05:00

...and for once, I'm not talking about the Ladybug Army that's laid siege to my house. No, I'm talking about The Prodigy and my new review of their recent album of pure awesome, Invaders Must Die. Oh sure, I got it back in October and could have probably reviewed it months ago, but I've been just so lazy what with the baby and rewrites and playing video games and writing workshop. Don't judge me, bastards.

Favorite Superbowl Commercial

2010-02-07T21:39:00.002-05:00

Not sure why, but this made me laugh. Not a very good crop this year. GoDaddy was especially lame, although those creepy dolphin people in the Emerald Nuts commercial were a new breed of awful.

So you want to buy me that perfect something?

2010-02-07T17:13:00.002-05:00

Well, aren't you sweet? What do you buy for the geek who has everything? I'm so glad you asked!

For the geek who has everything...

No Nap for You!

2010-02-06T14:39:00.002-05:00

Josh is staging some sort of revolt in his bedroom...all I can hear is "I WANT TO GET DOWN, MOMMY!" Damn it, boy, take a nap!

Anyway. Here's some funny courtesy of Celebrity Odor.

New Review: 30 Seconds to Mars

2010-02-02T18:00:00.003-05:00

I gotz a new review up on Little Rat Bastard. This "week" (I use that term loosely, in the six, seven, ten, or 13 day sense of the word), I've reviewed War, the new offering from Jared Leto and the boys in 30 Seconds to Mars.

You may read it here.

Apple iPad

2010-01-28T18:31:00.003-05:00

Hmm. Worst. Name. Ever. Also, overpriced considering that the data plan isn't included...suxor!! Also, I thought it was going to be a computer, not a 1-up on Kindle.

Oh well, here's some humor.

You Know Your Priorities Have Changed...

2010-01-26T22:03:00.004-05:00

...when you get very, very excited because someone else has used the potty with success. Also, when you find yourself having a very serious discussion with your life mate about the quality of your shared offspring's bowel movements (I just wanted to qualify that; we never talk about the quality of any of the Elder Stepmonsters' bowel movements, and rarely congratulate them on successfully using the potty).

The Scorpions Acknowledge What the Rest of Us Figured Out in 1993

2010-01-25T22:09:00.004-05:00

This headline made me laugh: German rock band Scorpions to end career - did they not notice the Winds of Change blew hair bands out of vogue even before I made it out of high school? Oh well, I guess this leaves room for Lita Ford's big comeback.

Dead Milkmen

2010-01-22T19:13:00.005-05:00

Man, it's been a long time since I listened to The Dead Milkmen, but I've been thinking a lot about Bitchin' Camaro lately. Just because. Tony Orlando and Dawn. They were always more Annie's thing than mine, but God, those guys were a freakin' hoot. Really, every song was more like listening to my drunk friends than to a real band. B R I L L I A N T with a capital Liant. God bless 1985.

-Hey Jack, what's happenin'?
-I don't know.
-Well uh, rumor around town says you might be thinkin' 'bout goin' down to
the shore.
-Uh, yeah, I think I'm gonna go down to the shore.
-Whaddya gonna do down there?
-Uh, I don't know, play some video games, buy some Def Leppard t-shirts.
-Don't forget your Motley Crue t-shirt; y'know, all proceeds go to get their
lead singer out a' jail.

Pruning to the funny parts.
...The important thing here is that we get
to the part where you ask me how I'm gonna get down to the shore.
- Oh, how you gettin' down to the shore?
- Funny you should ask, I've got a car now..
- Ah wow, how'd ya get a car?
- Oh, my folks drove it up here from the Bahamas.
- You're kidding!
- I must be, the Bahamas are islands. Okay, the important thing here is
that, uh, you ask me what kinda car it is.
- Uh uh, what kinda car do ya' got?
- I've got a Bitchin' Camaro...

Bitchin' Camaro, Bitchin' Camaro!
Donuts on your lawn
Bitchin' Camaro, Bitchin' Camaro!
Tony Orlando and Dawn

When I drive past the kids
They all spit and cuss
Cause I've got a bitchin' Camaro
And they have to ride the bus!

So I'm Writing Music Reviews Again...

2010-01-18T14:38:00.004-05:00

This time I'm writing for Little Rat Bastard, a wholly owned subsidiary of TheJsWorld (all rights reserved).

I reviewed Glee: The Music Volumes 1 & 2. Read now. Support J's vision of reviews by non-critics. And my goal of being occasionally witty in the written form.

Kyle Says...

2010-01-17T20:45:00.002-05:00

My cousin Kyle sometimes comes out with some wacky things. Today's gem (I warned him I was posting this):

"My friend decided to make me a sandwich last night." (After they went drinking.) "A mayonnaise sandwich. Then he put sour cream on it. And cottage cheese...and some regular cheese." This was the point at which it left the white food group theme and joined the 'you ate what?' section of the nutrition pyramid. "And hot sauce, some pickles, peanut butter, powdered ice tea mix, and red hots. Oh, and dog hair, because he dropped the bread on the floor." Then he paused and added, "It wasn't very good. I think it was the red hots. They were kind of stale. And the ice tea mix was a little gritty."

Maybe it IS the Greatest Day Ever!!

2010-01-13T21:08:00.004-05:00

I have waited for this moment since I was 12-years-old. Yes, it's almost upon us. THE A-TEAM MOVIE!!!!!!!!!

There have been some great television series since the medium was invented. V. Lost. Twin Peaks. Greg the Bunny (at least it was great until they gave him EYES, too creepy). The Fall Guy. But all of these pale in comparison to my favorite, favorite television show of all time, THE A-TEAM (which I will continue to refer to in all capital letters to afford it the deep respect it deserves).

Here is the trailer. You may want to shield your eyes from the sheer awesome of it (especially if your name is Marcia or if you weren't raised up in the '80s.)

Now. Please note the awesomeness of the following.

I love it when a VAN comes together. The van. Right there. Awesome. On a related note, I actually have a scale model of THE A-TEAM van in a closet somewhere (unbuilt - I'm motivated to buy, but never to build).
Liam Neeson, now rivaling Samuel L Jackson for the title of coolest human in the entire world appears to actually be channeling his inner George Peppard, right down to the white hair. I don't remember George Peppard having that particular accent, but I'll let it slide because of the cigar. Liam Neeson, you are the man.
Bradley Cooper, you may not be THE man, like Liam Neeson, but you are certainly A man. Please. Never put your shirt back on again. I don't say that often (hell, I once shouted at a co-worker at a lake party "Put it on! Put it all on!") but for you, my incredibly hot friend, we will make an exception.
The trailer features the TV show lead in, minus all the Vietnam rhetoric. Also, the time frame has been shortened from 10 years to one year (and it's not 1972, thank God).
Nary a Frankie, Stockwell, or Amy in sight.
Dirk Benedict and Dwight Schultz are both listed as in it - almost as good as bringing George Peppard back from the dead. Almost.
Release Date is...WAIT FOR IT...WAIT FOR IT...JUNE 11th!!! That's right, it's the universe's birthday present to ME. Like it was meant to be.

The Greatest Day Ever!!

2010-01-13T19:17:00.003-05:00

Not really. But one of the Elder Stepmonsters (aka my stepson) "volunteered" to give Josh a bath so that Mark and I didn't have to. Of course, there was much coaching involved, as you might imagine. He doesn't exactly have what it takes to be a nanny. Mark turned on the water to the right temperature, and I coached #1 (in a series of 4) how to properly put on Josh's "Nakey Suit". That went swimmingly until Josh looked at #1 and said, "I'M POOPING."

Appropriately, #1 backed away in horror with his hands out in front of him. So, I did the changing thing (Josh likes to kick while I'm changing his poop, did I mention that new feature?) and handed him off to #1 for Tub Placement. When I came back from depositing Josh's deposit, the kid was still trying to scale the bath wall, because #1 didn't realize that he needs to be put in.

Next came sitting. "Is this sitting, Mommy?" No, no, NO! That's kneeling. It's kneeling on the other knee, too. Now you're standing again. Sit down or no pop. OK, sitting achieved. Now, five minutes of reticent washing activities, done from a full arm's length away. In my supervisory capacity, I at this point realized that I could have been done with this endeavor by now. And really, this was a wasted effort because #1 returns to school this weekend. Then came, "Wash your nuts. No, that's your butt. Your nuts. Your nuts. Your man parts? OK, damn it, I'll wash them." Because #1 isn't going to do it. And much giggling ensued.

Finally, Extraction. #4 was pried, dripping and slippery from the bathtub after a failed attempt to toss water. #1 carried him to the bedroom and dried him by patting him with the towel for several seconds before stepping away in horror during Diaper Replacement when Josh said, "I'M POOPING AGAIN." He wasn't. The two managed to get Josh into his pajamas and...wow, that saved me negative 17 minutes.

The moral of the story is, if you intend to strong arm someone into bathing your dirty 2-year-old, make sure it's someone pre-equipped with the knowledge and wherewithal (I've always wanted to use that word in a written sentence) to do so.

Psychic Radio

2009-12-31T08:47:00.004-05:00

So, I'm sitting here listening to a psychic medium (too lazy to cross the kitchen) who does regular stints on a local radio station, and am totally reminded of that time in 2006 when Marcia and I went to see the medium speak in Enfield. Different medium. Same result.

She said things like, "I'm getting a message from the other side. It's...it's for someone who has skin. Does anyone here have skin?"
"I have skin!"
"No, sir. It's not you...it's the woman next to you. Ma'am, do you have skin?"
"Why yes, I do!"
"Tell me, ma'am, did you have a father?"
"Why, that's amazing! Yes, I did have a father!"
"Your father, he's passed?"
"That's amazing! How did you know that?"
"This father of yours, did he have...arms? Something with his arms?"
"Why, yes, he had two of them! One right there on each side of his torso!"

While I believe psychics are within the realm of possibility (see Almost Real Physics), I now just as firmly believe that they aren't doing road shows in Connecticut. This belief, which is now three years old, is supported by this only slight fictionalization of what I just heard.

Radio Host - "We're with psychic medium Lady Marvelous, and we have Meghan on the line. Meghan, welcome!"
Woman - "Hi."
Psychic - "Meghan, I'm getting a strong vibe here from the other side. I have a message for your mom."
Woman - "My mom has been dead for 20 years." Wow, some psychic. How'd you miss that one?
Psychic - "A mother figure? Maybe she's an aunt?" Um.
Psychic - "I'm getting a name. It's something with an M. Meghan?"
Woman - Pauses. "Um. That's me."
Psychic - "Right. Right. Sometimes it's hard to make the connection." More coffee, please.

By the way, her $220 an hour private reading fee is not covered by Blue Cross / Blue Shield.

Get the hell out of town!

2009-12-23T18:06:00.003-05:00

Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins broke up??? Holy crap, that's like if my parents got divorced! Oh wait, my parents are divorced. OK, it's like if my siblings parents got divorced! O.M...wait for it...wait for it...(that's what she said)...G!

Oh, Bull Durham, it can't be true...you can work it out...I have faith...

BBC Book MeMe Volume 2 - The OK That's Better Edition

2009-12-22T08:55:00.006-05:00

Back in March, I posted a horrifying list of literary classics that, according to the BBC, I should have read prior to graduating from college or something. There were 100, I read like...27. While it is my intention in 2010 to get on my ass (you just can't read standing up) and read some "literary classics" (sarcasm implied by quotes), I frankly was excited when The Other Nate provided me with this improved list of Top 100 Books (or, as I've been referring to it, Top 100 Books People Actually Might Have Some Passing Interest in Reading). I still don't want to read any Jane Austen (unless improved by the inclusion of zombies) or anything at all by the Bronte sisters (even with zombies). My count is actually LOWER on this list than on the previous MeMe, but there are more things I would consider reading. The moral of this story is that romance from any era is just NOT FOR ME.

The Big Read Top 100

see the list for yourself, live, in-person
1. The Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien (no. I couldn't make it past the Fellowship.)
2. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen (no. But I will read And Zombies this year)
3. His Dark Materials, Philip Pullman (yes. All three.)
4. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams (yes...but I remember next to nothing)
5. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, JK Rowling (yes. Why are these separate, but Dark Materials are counted as one book?)
6. To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee (suprisingly, yes)
7. Winnie the Pooh, AA Milne (does the cartoon count? Not a Pooh fan. Glutton.)
8. Nineteen Eighty-Four, George Orwell (yes, and I loved the Apple commercial)
9. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, CS Lewis (yes)
10. Jane Eyre, Charlotte Brontë (hell to the no)
11. Catch-22, Joseph Heller (hmmm...no, but maybe I will read it)
12. Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë (Bronte = no)
13. Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks (who?)
14. Rebecca, Daphne du Maurier (Um, no.)
15. The Catcher in the Rye, JD Salinger (yes, but I wish I hadn't)
16. The Wind in the Willows, Kenneth Grahame (is this that thing with the frog?)
17. Great Expectations, Charles Dickens (I read the first page.)
18. Little Women, Louisa May Alcott (I tried, I really did. But failed)
19. Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres (Nicolas Cage? No.)
20. War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy (hahahahaha. No.)
21. Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell (No)
22. Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone, JK Rowling (yes. I read it in the original English.)
23. Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling (yes)
24. Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling (No...YES!)
25. The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien (yes. so boring.)
26. Tess Of The D'Urbervilles, Thomas Hardy (no)
27. Middlemarch, George Eliot (no)
28. A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving (no, but I own it - and intend to read it)
29. The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck (no, but I own it and don't intend to read it)
30. Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll (yes)
31. The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson (I went to high school with Tracy Beaker)
32. One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel García Márquez (no)
33. The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett (No)
34. David Copperfield, Charles Dickens (Wasn't he married to a supermodel)
35. Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl (yes, and the sequel. I love Roald Dahl.)
36. Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson (no)
37. A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute (no)
38. Persuasion, Jane Austen (no)
39. Dune, Frank Herbert (yes. more than once.)
40. Emma, Jane Austen (no)
41. Anne Of Green Gables, LM Montgomery (yuck, no)
42. Watership Down, Richard Adams (no. I hate animals)
43. The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald (no, but I bought it and intended to read it until Dad started rolling his eyes and told me how boring it is)
44. The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas (No, but I liked the movie)
45. Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh (no...)
46. Animal Farm, George Orwell (no, but I will)
47. A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens (No, but I've seen the Muppet version, the George C. Scott version, and possibly something involving Captain Picard, so that should count)
48. Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy (no)
49. Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian (no)
50. The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher (no)
51. The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett (yuck, no)
52. Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck (yes)
53. The Stand, Stephen King (yes, both versions)
54. Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy (no)
55. A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth (no)
56. The BFG, Roald Dahl (I just can't remember, but I probably did at some point. I read alot of Roald Dahl.)
57. Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome (no)
58. Black Beauty, Anna Sewell (Maybe?? Again with the animals)
59. Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer (no...we do own it, though)
60. Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky (no)
61. Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman (no)
62. Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden (yes)
63. A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens (no)
64. The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough (no)
65. Mort, Terry Pratchett (no, but I would. That guy is a rip)
66. The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blyton (no)
67. The Magus, John Fowles (no)
68. Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman (my favorite book. I own two copies)
69. Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett (no)
70. Lord Of The Flies, William Golding (yes)
71. Perfume, Patrick Süskind (no)
72. The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists, Robert Tressell (no)
73. Night Watch, Terry Pratchett (no, but I did recently see the unrelated Russian supernatural movie of the same name)
74. Matilda, Roald Dahl (yep)
75. Bridget Jones's Diary, Helen Fielding (love this book)
76. The Secret History, Donna Tartt (love this book, too. She's a literary genius.)
77. The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins (no)
78. Ulysses, James Joyce (no, but I read the Odyssey)
79. Bleak House, Charles Dickens (no, but wasn't Gillian Anderson in the movie?)
80. Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson (no)
81. The Twits, Roald Dahl (yes)
82. I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith (no)
83. Holes, Louis Sachar (yes)
84. Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake (no)
85. The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy (Blink-182. No)
86. Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson (no)
87. Brave New World, Aldous Huxley (no, but I should)
88. Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons (no, but I should because I loved the movie)
89. Magician, Raymond E Feist (no)
90. On The Road, Jack Kerouac (hell to the no, no, no)
91. The Godfather, Mario Puzo (no, but maybe this year)
92. The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel (I don't like caves, bears or Darryl Hannah)
93. The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett (again with Pratchett?)
94. The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho (no)
95. Katherine, Anya Seton (no)
96. Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer (no)
97. Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel García Márquez (no, no, no)
98. Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson (no)
99. The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot (yes. and most of the rest of the series)
100. Midnight's Children, Salman Rushdie (no, but he was in the Bridget Jones movie, and that's awesome)

Wow, That's Weird...Brittany Murphy Dead at 32

2009-12-20T19:36:00.003-05:00

Hmm...cardiac arrest...not to disrespect the dead, but aren't heart issues a side effect of anorexia? That's really too bad. Despite her bizarre role choices in the past few years, she was a pretty good actress, and cute.

Full story at Empire

Shut It About Tiger

2009-12-11T18:51:00.004-05:00

Why is Tiger Woods on the national news for his many affairs? Isn't there any real news to report? Why is this between Tiger, his wife, and EVERYONE IN AMERICA??? Something must have happened SOMEWHERE in the world today that trumps Tiger Woods boinking a host of hostesses. Come on, Brian Williams, didn't Lady GaGa do something wacky today?

Well, here's some news closer to home than philandering golf prodigies.

US woman of 98 accused of choking roommate aged 100
Dartmouth, MA A Massachusetts jury has charged a woman of 98 with suffocating her 100-year-old nursing home roommate after complaining of too many visitors.

Author 705

2009-12-10T17:43:00.001-05:00

That Jen Delisle, she was at one time an accredited movie critic!! On a side note, Jen Delisle smacked up the bitch in the theater dressed as the Ghost Faced Killer who thought it would be funny to reach out and touch someone during the movie.

Rotten Tomatoes!

Worst Tattoo Ever

2009-12-09T18:35:00.001-05:00

In the Interwebs Vernacular, Almost an Epic PHAIL of Shopping.

2009-12-06T15:02:00.008-05:00

So, we're going to the annual employer (not mine) Xmas party next week. That's brought us such past disasters as Danielle and I dressing as matched tinsel strands. (On a related note, I ditched my date to that particular party for El Husbando, but in all fairness I did marry him in the end. My husband, I mean, not the date I ditched.) I've also worn Dana Buchman (yes, the actual Dana Buchman. That was an awkward night.), so you never know what level of class I might feel like bringing. If memory serves, these were from Rave and cost about $15. Worth every penny.

[picture deleted. if you know me well enough to ask, I'll show you the original in person.]

Okay. Out of appropriate dresses, off to the mall. First stop, Leather Jackets and Party Dresses. Hmm. Someone forgot to tell the folks at LJ&PD that it's no longer 1989. Electric blue spandex? No thanks, I learned my lesson the hard way, the first time. (But I did get the jacket Mark is giving me for Christmas. It's actually faux leather, which lends itself to me wondering why the hell it was so expensive. Are we having a polyblend shortage?).

Hmm. Hmm. That's right, H&M! Down the escalator I ride, already wondering if I should have gone with the Nine West booties instead of the Aigner heels because this is turning into a freaking hike. H&M has a cute little black dress with a ruffle on the bottom, completely inappropriate for anything other than a holiday party, and a suitably workable angora bolero sweater. But I'm not 100% sold on the dress, so I charge around the store like a rhinoceros, using my fierce Tyra face (I like to look angry at the mall), and decide to hoof it up to Banana Republic. I pass Sears. No power on Earth can make me shop for a dress there. Or anything other than appliances.

I try BR. Nice dress, even 25% off is still about 40% more than I want to pay, but I'll keep it in mind when I inevitably grow desperate. Ann Taylor Loft = no dresses. Bizarre. OK...I guess I'll try *choke* JC Penney. They have one cute dress. In a petite. Didn't I just say that I was stomping about like Tyra / a rhino in heels? So, Forever 21. Turns out I'm not 21. Nix that. Back to H&M. F it, I'll just get that bolero thing and the black ruffly dress. But no! It comes only in three sizes and none of them are close to mine.

Back to BR. I try on the expensive dress...plus three others. The dress made in Vietnam, no go. Magenta, you are still not my color. Let's try the Indonesian dress that appears to be made of shingles and / or some other sort of roofing material. Hmm. Although the tiny size makes me proud (allow me to mention that I have not eaten today, except for some coffee and a ladybug), I look like the top of my house. Next. Moving on to China, producer of dowdy velvet dresses. Now I closely resemble a rectangle. Finally, the dress I came for. I have resigned myself to paying too much, but must first try it on. And...it's too big, and doesn't come in the next size down. F**K!!!!!! I want to go home!

What's left? BonTon? No, no, no! TJ Maxx...blah. I guess. What choice do I have? So on to TJ Maxx I go. I find four dresses and (laugh Lokiec) a pair of calf boots, which are required for two of the dresses. Turns out that my calves are still non-existent, and my ankles are basically just sharpened points that I ram into the bottom of my shoes in lieu of feet. F**K!!!!! That eliminates two marginal choices. So, I narrow it down to one dress, which violates one of my primary rules - strapless. A night of tug, tug, tugging is not that fun. But...what can I do? So, now I need a bolero sweater, but I'm so NOT driving back to the mall. Food. Food. Food. I buy TWO different black drapey sweater things...who knows if I'll wear either because neither is going to go with it. Then there was a whole thing about a new curling iron...anyway. Now that you've lived my spree in near-real-time, MAYBE I'll share pictures next week. On the other hand, maybe I'll make the pictures more interesting by not shaving. Merry Christmas.

Happy Birthday to J!!

2009-12-05T09:45:00.006-05:00

I'm sick of shopping and paying and shopping and paying already!!

That reminds me, I have to go buy a dress. And a leather jacket. From the same store, conveniently named Party Dresses and Leather Jackets. It's at the mall. Look it up.

Oh yeah, what was the point of this post again? It was to wish THE J a happy birthday. On this day in a previous century, The J was born. Given his Easter Island-esque head size, I'm sure it was a painful birth all the way around, but look how much joy he's given back to the universe in general, and his friends and family specifically. So, join me in applauding J's parents. Job well done Ruth and J's-Dad-whose-name-I-can't-remember-but-who-doesn't-read-this-blog-so-who-cares?!!

J, I was going to post your Yo! MTV Raps card to prove what a superstar you really are, but I couldn't find it. *sigh*

Edit: J provides his own humor.

In Memory of My Old Team...

2009-12-01T17:12:00.004-05:00

True, my "old" team is not forgotten, or even really gone. I was just unceremoniously re-orged away from them. But, if we go back a little further in history, we meet my old "old" team, which is the same team as my new (or current - today, right now) team. So, really, my "old" team is merely housed in a different facility. For two weeks, when they'll be relocated back into my immediate vicinity.

So, in honor of my "old" team (they really are old, too - I was the second youngest person, and J says we're approaching middle age, the smarmy bastard), here is an entire video dedicated to our official team mascot, the Woot! Screaming Monkey.

Woot Monkeys in Space from Woot Video on Vimeo.

I Have One Follower! Time to Start a Cult.

2009-11-23T21:01:00.004-05:00

Oooo one person follows my blog! That's one more than I expected. Well, single fan, here's an update on my NaNoWriMo progress.

Hurray for my synopsis, which has guided my writing not once, but twice this NaNo cycle.
Boo for marginal productivity. I should have re-hit the 50% mark today.
Hurray for PackRat, someone just gave me 10,000 credits for little reason!
Boo for Packrat. Stop distracting me, AlamoFire!
Hurray for always writing the same thing, the same way predictably and repeatedly! Usually a weakness, this week a strength!
Boo for being predictable. Screw you all, I'll go get a tattoo. Wait, no I won't! How do you like THEM apples (Josh replies, "I like apples.")
Hurray for writing about tattoos! Also, I've learned a lot about different kids of piercings you can get in your face and ears!

There, I ended on a positive note.

A New Savings Goal!

2009-11-22T10:17:00.002-05:00

I just read that a nose job only costs between $3000 and $6000. All this time, I've assumed it was in the $30,000 range. So, I could totally have a normal nose that doesn't have a weird bump or angle inexplicably to the right. (It's not actually inexplicable. It comes from being slammed in the face in indoor soccer with a high velocity ball twice in the same 15 minute period. But it definitely is weird.) I'm going to go ahead and set a tentative date for surgery in the 2011 time range. I even have a plastic surgeon picked out (OK, he's the family plastic surgeon, no research there). Hurray for elective procedures!

Why Won't the Damn Sun RISE Already?

2009-11-21T20:56:00.004-05:00

I mean, enough with the Twilight crap. I'll give Stephanie Myers mad props for selling so many books (I barely made it through the first one, skipped the second one, and made it one chapter into the third. I've never seen the movie. And it bothers me that Cedric Diggory is a vampire.)

But whatever. It is what it is. But this is, to quote Metallica, The Thing That Should Not Be.

Seriously, barf.

Here's my answer. Blade and Iris. Better than Shiny and Mopey.

Now THAT'S a Tattoo

2009-11-14T14:33:00.004-05:00

My rule with tattoos has always been to pick a design, wait six months, then see if I still like it. Thusly, thanks to my superior attention span (=fruit fly), I remain unmarked. But I've been writing about tattoos alot this month, which has exposed me to some truly amazing designs. Human flesh as a medium is pretty intriguing to someone who traditionally works in watercolor.

That's a Whole Lot of Long Kiss Goodnight

2009-11-12T22:02:00.005-05:00

I found this completely work-inappropriate web site (hint hint if you're at work) of clips from movies, with an entire page dedicated to The Long Kiss Goodnight, my absolute favorite non-Tarantino action movie of all time. You should visit it at once.

In the meantime, it allows me to embed audio clips. For my your amusement, here are some fun little sound bytes.

The incomparable Brian Cox, with maybe my favorite scene in the entire movie.

He's been licking his asshole for the last three straight hours. sound bite The Long Kiss Goodnight sound bites

OK, this one is from Pulp Fiction...but still has Samuel L Jackson in it...

Does he look like a bitch? sound bite Samuel L. Jackson sound bites

And finally, this one has absolutely nothing to do with Samuel L Jackson, Brian Cox, Pulp Fiction or The Long Kiss Goodnight. It's from MST3K, the funniest television show EVAH. I reference this quote constantly and no one ever understands what I'm talking about (by the way, J, feel free to point out to Danielle that you're not the only person who does that).

Big car sound bite Mystery Science Theatre 3000 sound bites

Despair!

2009-11-09T21:51:00.005-05:00

I didn't mean to post twice tonight, but for my readership of five (all of whom appreciate this), the new Despair catalog came in the mail today!!! Here are some of my favorites from the new batch of product offerings.

1) Demotivational Laptop Skins! - Sure, my Mac is covered with a frightening skull from Isis, but my work laptop is a virgin space just waiting to be adorned with a classic like, "Sometimes the journey of 1,000 miles ends very, very badly."

2) "Hope may not be warranted at this point." So true. And in lithograph form, no less!

3) And the Pessimist's Mug now also comes in both beer glass and shot glass form. Although, let me take this moment to remind you that it's not really whether the glass is half empty or half full, but what's in it that counts. Realists know to ask.

Oh, The Servers You'll Crash

2009-11-09T21:30:00.005-05:00

If Dr. Seuss was doing NaNoWriMo, that would definitely be the title of his new book. Did I mention that I borrowed Fox in Socks, possibly the hardest book to read in the entire English language (no joke, the thing is like a 32-page tongue twister) and then Josh demanded that Mark read it to him? Man, did he ever look pissed at me when he finally closed that thing. Josh asked for it again, but we returned it to the library like toxic waste to a nuclear holding facility.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that my regular widget and my backup widget are now BOTH broken due to unanticipated high demand (you'd think NaNo would have seen this coming...it happens every year). This is causing me angst because...wait for it...wait for it...I HAVE TO DO MATH!!! NO!!! (this is where Mark usually says, "Not math. Arithmetic." And I repeat, "I HAVE TO DO MATH!!! NO!!!")

Luckily, there's an app for that.

28,911 is 57.82199999999999 percent of 50,000. I totally just did that in my head. Now, let's imagine it with an ALT tag. One that looks like this.

"Turn on the heat. It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise - distracts from the cold."

Song of the Weekend

2009-11-02T18:22:00.004-05:00

I wrote some dialogue this weekend that I won't post here, but it ended with my main character quoting Starship.

Here, in honor of The Song of the Weekend, is the video for We Built This City On Rock and Roll. Turns out they're singing "Marconi" not "Tony," but whatever. Let's face it, neither lyric makes any sense.

Five Things I Wish Were Movies

2009-10-29T19:16:00.004-04:00

I've been listening to this book on CD for the past month (back and forth to work, takes forever), and thinking that it would make a terrific movie starring a slightly older Hugh Jackman. Why Hugh Jackman? I don't know, maybe because about the time I started listening to it, ads for Wolverine were playing incessantly on the television. Anyway, it got me to thinking about comics / video games / books that would make great movies.

American McGee's Alice - Years ago, there was a rumor that this twisted video game about Alice's eventual return to a distorted Wonderland following the death of her family would be made into a movie starring Sarah Michelle Gellar. It hasn't happened yet, but this would be about the coolest movie ever. Get your fabbity wallpaper here.

The Terror by Dan Simmons - Based on the historical journey of HMS Erebus and HBS Terror in search of the Northwest Passage, the story takes a turn into the supernatural as the crews of both ships are stalked by some manner of large monster that appears out of nowhere at irregular intervals, eats people, and takes off again. Beautifully written, I think Hugh Jackman would make a terrific Captain Francis Rawdon Moira Crozier.

Æon Flux - True, this was already a movie, it just could have been a much better movie. When the short Æon Flux clips first debuted on Liquid Television (alongside the original Beavis and Butthead), they were completely mind-blowing. The series...not so much. The best part of the movie was Charlize Theron's fab hair. Of course, it's hard to make a cohesive film when your super spy dies on every mission.

House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski. The truth is that no one writes Lovecraft like Lovecraft, but Danielewski gives the master a run for his money in this bizarre movie-within-a-novel about a house that develops a portal into Yith territory. While I'm not sure how it could be a movie, The Navidson Record, the film detailed in the book, would make a great fake documentary. I'd go see it, anyway.

Lamb by Christopher Moore. Hmm, this is the second time this week I've been thinking about Christopher Moore. Anyway, you think The Passion of The Christ stirred people up, imagine what a novel about Kung Fu Jesus and the stupidest angel could do with a Christmas release?

Christopher Buckley and Mel Gibson

2009-10-26T17:36:00.005-04:00

Interesting story about his book being optioned. Thank You For Smoking was (eventually) made, despite Mel Gibson's best efforts to the contrary. There's a story floating around in a back issue of Writer's Digest that I probably have somewhere...Christopher Moore tells the harrowing tale of how he waitered and negotiated the option on Practical Demonkeeping somewhat accidentally. That book, so far as I can tell, is probably impossible to make as anything other than anime.

The story of Thank You For Smoking being optioned and optioned and optioned.

Almost Real Physics, Updated and Still Almost Real

2009-10-24T09:02:00.004-04:00

I've updated the layout of Almost Real Physics to look more like my blog. Partially, I did this because the topic of the nature of the universe and time has been coming up a lot lately, so it seemed timely to revisit ARP (not AARP). But the font size was too small on my Mac and I'm totally over the 10pt Arial text thing (that's soooo 2007). There's also a new section on my obsession with CERN, which my former co-workers found absolutely hilarious last year. In fact, they'd regularly remind me that the Hadron Collider was about to be turned on (it broke), just to see me start to panic and run around like a crazed, headless chicken. Then I got me some new co-workers.

Enjoy your continued existence while you can, my friends, because while 2012 may be a ginormous hoax, there's no telling what dropping tiny black holes into the center of the Earth is going to do to your weekend.

Enjoy the secret of the universe and learn how to choose a ferret.

Read Nate (Last Name Removed, STALKERS!!)

2009-10-22T19:54:00.003-04:00

Nate ~~This is where his last name would be if I wasn't compulsively going through this blog and removing all evidence of our existence~~ is a brilliant writer and my friend! You should read his blog, which now has an RSS feed in my blog list, on the bottom right (to the left, to the left, everything you own in a box to the left) of this and every page of EvilStepmonster. Nate puts a hell of a lot more time and effort into his entries than I do, so it's definitely worth your time.

Sometimes, the Wheel is on Fire... Turns out this is not a reference to AbFab.

Welcome to Zombieland!

2009-10-20T09:25:00.003-04:00

I've taken a few days off from work for my semi-annual Mental Health Break (March and October, people, March and October), and decided to go do something that never seems to be in my plans anymore, but the most beloved of all my non-writing past times -- going to the movies. By myself.

The plan was to see Surrogates. I know a recent post berated Bruce Willis for too few clothes and morals, but the man really does make great action and sci fi movies. 12 Monkeys and The Fifth Element...but, not for the first time, Yahoo Movies gave me the wrong time for the Enfield theaters (Enfield's fault, I'm sure - it's wrong in the paper sometimes, too). So, I got there and all that was playing (that sounded remotely interesting) was Zombieland. I was the only person in the entire theater, so, so perfect for the isolation in a post-apocalyptic world!

Zombies suck. Not like vampires, suck - I mean, they literally make me want to vomit. There's just something so disturbing about fast moving, mindless, flesh eating monsters that used to be our neighbors and can move around in daylight. The opening sequence of the film, shot in slow motion (with alot of flying fluids, breaking glass, and memorably bouncing body parts) made me almost want to leave the theater. In retrospect, I'm glad I didn't.

In addition to not liking zombies, I'm no fan of Woody Harrelson, who played Tallahassee. But man, what was not to like about a character who drives slow past a zombie in the middle of the highway just to hit it in the face with the door of his Escalade on the way by? Big fun! It went the route of 28 Days Later, which covers the major issue I have with zombie implausability in the movies -- if they're risen corpses, why don't they rot? It seems like you should be able to just wait it out...and they'll fall apart. Columbus explains this away nicely.

Remember Mad Cow Disease? Well, Mad Cow became Mad Person became Mad Zombie. It's a fast-acting virus that left you with a swollen brain, a raging fever, and made you hateful, violent, and gave you a killer case of the munchies.

Another fun thing were the rules. There really aren't enough rules for handling zombies, so it's great that Zombieland established some, like "don't be a hero","Cardio","Double Tap", and my personal favorite, "Beware of bathrooms." All sound advice in real life, but especially poignant in Zombieland.

I recently watched a movie in which the main character distracted the vampiric villains by running through town shouting and banging a snow shovel on every available surface before using an ultraviolet pot lamp to dispatch exactly one of the enemy. Tallahassee had a scene that started nearly identically (he used an air horn instead of a snow shovel), but he then used about 47,000 rounds of ammunition in a half dozen guns, a roller coaster, and several swinging amusement rides to take out easily 50 zombies. All in all, a much better executed plan.

Also, the soundtrack was pretty good.

So, when the Zombie Apocalypse happens, remember Cardio, beware of bathrooms, and I'll meet you at Bill Murray's house.

Overall Rating: I give it 4 stars out of 5, which is ridiculously high praise for a zombie movie.
Marcia Rating: Definitely not Marcia safe.
Poignant Quotes: I expect memorization from some of you. You know who you are. Nut up or shut up.

Yes, I have not been posting.

2009-10-15T16:39:00.002-04:00

Because I am lazy and have little to say these days. Hard to believe.

Check out the "new" Prodigy album. And by "new," of course I mean that I'm literally months behind the curve (thanks for pointing that out, J).

Prepare for awesome.

RIP John Hughes

2009-08-06T20:37:00.001-04:00

"Dear Mr. Vernon: We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. And what we did was wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. What do you care? You see us as you want to see us."

The Breakfast Club - best movie ever. RIP John Hughes :(

I don't subscribe to W

2009-06-19T17:27:00.004-04:00

Every month, this weird magazine that I didn't subscribe to, W shows up. It's one of those things you get free if you neglect to uncheck a box when ordering makeup on E.L.F.'s web site.

Anyway, this magazine is really racy and goes into the recycling bin before it has time to create an unfortunately awkward moment between me and Jen, or Mark and Jen, or really Jen and anyone else in the house. This month's features Bruce Willis and his new wife, Mrs. Willis. I don't remember her name. Emma? Ella? Eels? The cover, which is pretty skanky, is the most classy picture in the bunch. Let's just say that Eels Willis has no problem with nudity in a way that will make you wish for the good old days when Demi was posing naked and pregnant. And Bruce Willis is evidently out to prove that, like Demi, he too can have sex with someone young enough to be his offspring. Except that he's got photographic evidence he's willing to share. Even if you don't want it and didn't subscribe to it on purpose.

Bruce, please. Put your pants back on and don't let your wife talk you into any more age inappropriate photo shoots. Please.

Oh No! Mr. Kill Bill! (vol 2)

2009-06-04T20:55:00.002-04:00

Aww, apparently David Carradine hung himself in his hotel room in Thailand. I really liked that guy!

I am Caine. I search for water.

:(

Even Royalty Occassionally Experiences Tech Issues

2009-05-12T20:31:00.004-04:00

This made me laugh out loud. Tech AND pop culture humor combined, what's not to like?
Click here to see funny image. Prepare to read.

Wow, Am I Fantastically Lazy About New Blog Entries!

2009-05-03T21:17:00.002-04:00

Plus, I have nothing to say. So...consider it said!

Everything I Know About Poetry, I Learned from Stephen King

2009-04-08T19:55:00.003-04:00

LJ is doing a report on WB Yeats, who I suggested. Little does she know, that everything I know about Yeats can be boiled down to that scene early in The Stand where that Army guy is talking to his son-in-law about the apocalypse. In honor of Stephen King, Yeats, and LJ, here's some poetry about the end of the world.

THE SECOND COMING

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: a waste of desert sand;
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Wind shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

Shut Up, All American Rejects

2009-04-03T18:16:00.003-04:00

There are few things more annoying in entertainment than listening to some bitter singer lord his success over an ex. Listen, jackbutt, just because YOU'RE successful doesn't mean that she's miserable. Get over yourself.

That reminds me of Sk8er Boi. Listen, Avril, if he's complaining often enough about his ex that you're writing songs about her, he's probably not over her.

Spider Update

2009-03-26T20:42:00.003-04:00

It's been awhile since my last post. Long enough that I figured it was time to pry open the dust buster, which took a feat of superhuman strength to do. And when Mark finally got it open, the spider was STILL ALIVE and waving at me from inside. Naturally, I did what anyone (with an unnatural terror of spiders) in that situation would do. I screamed like a little girl, abandoned my son and husband to their own devices, and ran willy nilly across the kitchen into the living room, where I continued to shriek hysterically (while jumping around) until Mark PROMISED me he'd killed it. Then, just to be safe, I emptied a pot of pasta into the trash on top of its corpse AND took out the garbage.

Jen was screaming as much as I was, although that might have been because I was panicking her with my screaming.